poetlostforwords

It's been a while since i've been on here.

Well thats a lie but what ever. I needed to say this to someone. So i thought that i would a letter to someone but it's really to who ever reads it.

Dear you,

I can't believe how you are making me feel. I haven't felt this way since my best friend moved cities and is now half way accross the county. We were so close and really liked one another but since that i never felt that way about any one till you. It's not the face that your just great looking i just feel there is something more.

Something more that i want to know. I would love to get to know you better and it makes me have butterfiles in my tummy to think about it. yes you cause me to use childish words and i dont understand why. I really hope that you see that we should at least talk and maybe just become friends because i would have that over anything other any day.

To my friends,

I really appereciate what you have done for me. You guys are great. I know and talk about him too much but i appereciate the support. Tomorrow might not happen if it wasn't for you. :) I love you guys with all my heart. I just wish it was the best of you that were going to come with me. Now this kind of sounds like SOMETHING BIG is happening but its really not. I just really like him and can't wait to see what happens.

If worse comes to worse he sees what is happening and rejects it all but i won't be kicking myself in the ass for not trying. Right?

Well goodnight world. :P

 

Hey Buzznet and Buzzneters!!!

Did you all hear about Michael Jackson's ghost? It's pretty cool stuff.

 

But before you all go think that it's real i want you all to think about a few things first.

 

1) how many people do you think were at the house?

2) didn't you see the light in the back there. Doesn't that mean there were more lights? SO really couldn't it have been someone walking past a light?

3) It's more behind the light then infront of it.

4) a ghost would be more see thru and would not distort onto something

 

Even Larry King and his people explained that it's not real.

 

Not to mention other people don't believe it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And you know what. Michael Jackson himself explains it to you.

 

That being Michael Jacksons ghost is as believe able as this

 

 

 

If you want to see something more ghost like check these out:

 

 

 

 

 

 

But i guess everyon can believe what they want. So do you believe?

Dear life,

I SAY FUCK YOU! I know that you really don't want me to do anything this summer. Personally because you don't want me to do anything i want to go back to school. At least then i could do stuff with my friends. This past year has been shit. It really has. Last summer i couldn't do anything because i had my teeth pulled. i understood that. But i mean come on i worked so hard to be ready this yar to go do stuff. I was. Now you tell me i can't till august again. why? why do you do this to me?

 

i know that i waste my life on others things and that i never follow through on them but this was something that i was going to. I was going to get better and do stuff. I was going to go to festivals next year and see where that would take me. BUT I FUCKING HATE YOU. Please give me something to work towards again. Maybe single up a guy for me or put a new guy in the picture. But i just want somethign i can look forwards to. If you can't do taht i don't even want to speak to you again!

 

Sincerly,

pissed off me

I love when i find new music

or someone tells me about an album and i fall in love

I want to have a large music collection.

That is a goal.

So got ANY decent music that you don't tell many people about?

I am currently listening to this guy that is a mix of king of leon/ City and Colour

 

No tmy phto

 

Hey

So i have decided to start posting something each week. Like a picture, video, link or journal. ANd i am going to base it all on lyrics. I will try and post everything before friday but i don't know  how that is going to go.

But since i posted "I'm feeling goo" by michael buble i should write a little on that.

Well at the moment i am listening to that song and that is the only line i could really pick out. Umm... i just had surgery and i don't have to write any of my final exams but i couldn't not write my math one. I just have to. My others i don't care about it't just that i would not feel right not having to write my math. Does that make sense? or am i not using the excuse i can to get out of it all? would you write any exams or just let them be???

 

Well i haven't posted much and this is  a start. Keep an eye out for me.

 

ttfn

bye!

 

 

"The Future you have, tomorrow won't be the same future you had, yesterday"  

So since my last post i've been thinking to not over worry about what was going on.  I can't control those people and what they think. I mean if they want to think that i am a stalker then go for it. At least i mean something to them to at least talk about me. Like it's pretty awesome that the "cool" kids want to talk about me when i'm not there. Yes i know thats a bad thing but at least i leave an impression on them. good or bad.

But i have missed you dear Buzznet. How have you been? It feels like i haven't been on here in forever but i am on here everyday. Just not on my own profile. I am helping out some friends so i am always on their profile.

Since i have been gone i have been doing A LOT of thinking. Well not thinking but wishing.

I want to grow up to be a director or at least involved in the movies.

I want to own a VERY LARGE movie collection. But since th blue-rays are coming out i don't think i should buy DVDs anymore.

I wish that i could have a journal something like Chistopher Gutierrez has. But i suck at english. I not goods at it.

I wish that i could take my own goddamn adivce. it always seems to logical but i just can't.

 

But there have been a few things that have been bugging me.

My parents are talking about moving. I don't like packing.

My friend doesn't know when the little white lies are best and not the total truth.

I want something other then stupid boys on my mind. It consumes most of my day.

 

So that is all for now. I am thinking of being on here more. Doubt that will happen but keep your eyes open. But remember to blink.

ttfn.

 

 

I am going to stop trying to help myself and encourage my friends more.

 

So it is almost the end of the school year. and it's ending pretty shitty.

It all started off so great and then it snowballed through the whole year into a cluster fuck.

AND it was all because i crush on somethign i can't get. I'mnot going to get into it.

But as the year went along i lost my best friend to the drug scene and we never really talk any more. I have very little friends it feels like and i wish that i acutally had more.

but everything started to change in the new semester.

i never really had "friends" just people who were nice enough to talk to me. that is at least better then to be a loner.

But i really started to get into photography and people thought i was being a creep to certain guys and it all hit the fan.

i really wish i could just forget what they said but for me it is really hard.

I actually miss my old self who i was at the start of the school year. I want to find the undo button and go back. 

I want to go back to being the little rock child i was that dressed in all black everyday because no one really noticed me or i thought no one did. I want to go back to just being me and being crazy with my friends and going to shows. I miss being the nobody that no one really talked about because i wasn't all that interesting.

Now i try to be noticed to get that one look that i want from someone. I try and get people to listen to me with my constant complaining. I dress so that i try and seem to fit the fashion trend. I try and make myself interesting so that i am liked by a few more.

The thing is what i am now is nothing what i used to be like. I want a lot of my old aspects back.

But i realized a few weeks ago i don't have many friends any more. I was a loner on my soccer team and i hang with the same people everyday. Not that i don't like them i just don't want to feel needy. i dropped everyone from last year and started new and i sometimes wonder if that was the smart thing to do. the only upside is that i really don't get "bullied" any more which makes me happy and there isn't much drama. I love my close friends to death. I don't know waht i would do with out them.

Just my birthday is coming up and i don't know if i want to have a party. i doubt any one would show up. i am just that type of person and it sucks.

I just want this year to be over. it's starting to get painful to even do things. I take pictures for year book because i have nothing better to do and people judge it so i have decided to stop. I hate knowing that people think there is soemthign wrong with that. It's not like i am a nerd.

I just wish things would change. i feel that they have to.

I think i am done venting for now. thanks to any one who reads this. It just feels better that i have gotten this off my chest to who ever you are. or who ever you might not be.

I'm just going to get straight to the point.

my parents just bought me a car. It's pretty awesome.

they bought my brother  a car 2 years ago.

they bought him a car he wanted and liked. he basically got to pick it

so they have been telling me about cars i should get and they were letting me look around

my mom say the chevy cobalt but i wasn't sure on it. i really couldn't see out the back window

so yesterday she went and bought it. i feel that it is unfair because my brother got to pick his car. he got a convertable while i am stuck with a normal car.

i knwo that saying that sounds spoiled but i just think that it is unfair.

i am happy to have a car but i didn't really get a say. and when i did they ignored the fact i am short and cannot see out the back window.

i will hit something. i can garentee it.

is that unfair or is it just me?

Long time since i last came on here and actually said something. I've been trying to come here more and more just i got really busy when i decided this. But i will try my hardest. Since it's been a while since i actually came on here a lot has changed but at the same time nothing really has.

A thing that has changed is my passion of still and moving photograghy. I still am in love with movies and have an amazing idea that i hope to enter into next years film festivle (would this year but i don't want to pay a extra 30$ and i want more time to work on it.) But i have really started to like still photography. It's so much fun. I actually like taking pictures.

I never actually thought i was all that good but i went to a friends hockey game and i took some FREAKING amazing photos. I'm not usually one to like my own work to. But the hockey guys seem to like them and so do all my friends. When ever i talk about them they like to say how amazing they are and i should acutally take it up.

I might take up photography for the team in the fall. I just don't know how to approach it yet. Something i need to work on but i don't know if the team would want me. What do you think? How should i approach the team and coaches about this?

I actually might start posting more of my photos here. I don't know yet. But i hope to. All i really want to know is what other people think about what i take pictures of not just my friends or family. Only because they are too nice and like any thing a person does because of what relationship we have. Not that i don't like what they say :) 

So in comments tell me what you think of what i am taking pictures of or when i post a picture. I LOVE feed back!

BTW i am now a sports photographer for my school for the year book and will be for the next two years or at least that is what i got told. CRAZY!

 

          

 

 

     

 

Tell me what you think of me doing photography

 

 

 

So i really haven't been online all that much and i know no one checks this any more because i am not online but i don't care.

What all i really want to say is that i am a little pissed off at a friend. Well i shouldn't say pissed off but she is getting on my nerves. Like i like this guy and i have for a LONG time now and she has let me talk about it. She would even tell me things about him that she noticed. And then one day she got all mad at me. I understand that she got tired of hearing about him so i stopped talking about him. Now i could mention one things about something that he has in common with like a million other guys and she thinks that i am talking about him. I dunno it is just starting to bug me. Like yes i do know how much he is on my mind but i'm not talking about him like i used to because i know that it got old. Oh well. She has to deal with it. haha. she can think what she wants to.

I've also been using my head phones a lot over the last while on my computer. They make it seem like the world is gone and it's just me and the computer/internet. It's pretty nice. It also make music so much better. But i've gotten so sick of my music it's not even worth listening to any more. and i can't download or buy music because life hates me like that. it makes me a little sad.

the last thing is that i have found photoshop really can calm me down when i need it to. or if i am bored it makes the day go by so much faster. i really like it. But i want to photoshop some pictures i just never know if i really should or not. i don't want to just WASTE my time and not even save it. haha becuase that is what i do.

I'm lame i know it. Oh well. get used to it.
BTW i miss you buzznet. Do you miss me?

So I haven't written a real journal in a long time. I need to talk to someone. Tell them what is going on because i can't really talk to my friends any more because they are getting tired of it all. I don't care who reads this or who doesn't. I just need to have it out there and maybe i will forget it all.

First:
  I need to get over this boy. I've liked him since school started. The longest i've talked to him is like a half hour convo on facebook. Other then that we really don't talk much or even really. He is never online any more (I think it's because of me but i really don't know) and i can't just walk up to the guy and talk to him. I would find that to weird for me. I just can't do it. But i mean like i really really like him. I've talked about him so much my friends are sick of it. I fear that is all they think i want to talk about. But it's not. I just have nothing else running through my mind.

   Still as much as i have tried to get over him i am not able to. I work really hard and convince myself that it's not worth it then i think of something that might have made something happen and i end up at the start. It's no fun being at the start of something. It's just lame. There just so much stuff about him i need to talk to my true friends about and see what they think and then maybe just drop the subject until something happens. But i need someone who isn't going to judge me and isn't going to leave me standed. that is what i only fear most. I know friends don't do that but i just don't know.

Second:
   I've read a few of my old journals. I miss my old self but i don't know if i want her back. I miss my creative side but i don't really need it any more. The other night i actually picked up a pen and wrote down something. it's been helping me. Maybe i should write about whats been on my mind and then i can move on. Writing has always done that for me but i just don't know if i can bring myself to it when it would be over.

Third:
    I know it's February and June is still a while away. But i don't want it to end. I don't want to finish school. I want to cry. I think about not beign with my friends everyday and not having something to do. To be in reality and feel alone. It's seemed so blah so far in life and i always wanted it to go faster. but no i just want it to slow down. I want to take time and smell the roses. I want to go back to being a child and having fun. I feel that being a teen we can't have fun. there is trouble around the corner and it's just wait to take up captive.

This is what i wrote the other night.

1.
Sometimes we have to get lost to find ourselves
 but i feel i am far to gone
my mind can;t seem to think
when it does they are worthless thoughts;
         A stupid question

It's as if i am a broken record
just tring to find the right spot
repearing only because i want the answer
it will never come

The old me is coming back
but i want to keep the new me
thing never seem to happen
or work out

I want to be lost
   To find myself
I want to be fixed
   to have that answer
I want to be back
    to know if it's what i want


2.
I want to let go
nothing is stopping me but me
but something isn't lett me
i want to know about you
be your friend
but i don't know if that will happen
you don't even know my existance
only to glare
you might know my name
that'll be as far as you go
i am the only one that can stop me
and i will
i'll wait till i can
but i doubt you'll acknowledge
I should move on
but somethings not letting me

Lol i wonder why people are my friends.
or i really wonder is do they know the true me. or what was the true me


02/19/2009
02/19/2009
10/20/2008
10/17/2008
10/05/2008
10/02/2008
09/27/2008
09/08/2008
09/05/2008
09/01/2008
08/13/2008
07/22/2008
07/14/2008
07/02/2008
06/18/2008

**So I wrote this back on April 21, 2008. I cannot believe I still have this. I lost all this writing when Buzznet decided to screw up and delete my account. I am really glad to find this journal. I've been thinking I want to go back to his time in my life have those feelings back but the thing is I don't know if I really do. Like do I really want to keep all my thoughts to myself and write them out like this? Pretend that everything is ok when I am to full of thoughts that they keep me up all night. I've been thinking that I do. But I fear no one would listen to these thoughts. I've been stuck on this guy I like for way to long and i see people getting sick of it. I have to keep those thoughts now to keep everyone around me there and sane. Maybe I might head back to my feelings of greater '07 and early '08. But then again I don't have certain people in my life and i am in  a new school. Read the journal. Don't think to hard.**

Lets pretend you are having a really bad day. You come home and everything just gets worse for you. Time is passing by slower than you could imagine. Each time a second on the clock passes by it feels like a hour. Inside you are a ball of fire and you want to just explode. You take a deep breath and just want everything to pause for a moment. What would you do if it really did stop? People always seem to wish for time to stop going and their head to turn off for a moment. I'm not going to lie I would sometimes love it if mine would but then when you think about it what would you do? what would you do if time did stop?

I thought about it and I know what i would do. I would take a minute to collect my thoughts and tell myself that everything will be okay. I would remind myself that tomorrow is a new day and that the world would still revolve. Then maybe that life can go on no matter what. The cycle of life will still continue to to go around. With every life there will be a new death. With every breath of fresh air there is a exhale of carbon dioxide.

I read a article about this guy who is doing good for his life and age. Not that old. Maybe only twenty. His father died just over two years ago. No matter how much he misses his father he knows that his pain and suffering is over. Then he said that he realized he needed to enjoy life more. He needed to just have a little fun with what he is doing. I have to say I feel bad for this guy. No one leaves him alone. People talk about him and people dream about him.His privacy is gone and it's like no one would care.

With all that it brings me to think what do i get out of life. What am i doing that is so special that when i am old that i can say " wow i'm glad that i did that way back when".  Then again not all of us have those special talents that can do good for us.

Writing this journal makes me think to much about life and death. And I hate that. I always fear death. I fear something so small i do can kill me. I am afraid to do things now that i never used to be. Truthfully I miss only being scared of spiders and what monsters lived under my bed. Now that i grow old I have to have all these new fears. Why? I guess being young and not understanding is better. Then I have those fears of life. Like what happens if I did something wrong. There could go my whole life. Why can't they give us a lesson plan. I know that we have to learn from our mistakes but it's sometimes no fun.  Then again I'm not as scared of life as those who are so scared that they kill themselves.

So i am making a movie
I was at warped tour and got a short part with william in it.
I told him when i was done i would send him it.
I haven't gotten it to him yet because i haven't finished it.
So if you want to take part in a video for TAI message me and i will let you know what you need to do.

I think that i am going to take up my journal writing on buzznet again. Thinking one a week? just so i can let everything out there and not keep it bottled up any more. So I will try and post of saturday or friday.

Here is todays journal.
My week has been really good since last thursday. I started to talk to the guy i liked. And then when i went to school again on tuesday he definitely noticed  me. But i had exams all week so that kind of sucked. Tonight i was supposed to go to the guys i likes hockey game but i can never have plans that go through so i had to stay home and watched movies. It was a pretty chill time but i would have liked to  have been at the rink cheering on my crush.

I remember i tried so hard to get him to notice me at school. But it took me the entire semester to just talk to him. I did find the key to talking to him. Hockey. Not my favourite subject but i think that it is a great way to talk to him. Until he stops talking to me and ignors me. haha

So i guess taht is my week. Really it is. I have to go for surgery next week. Seconds surgery in the span of 1 year. Pretty bad. Oh well. I hope i don't have any more till i get really old and don't really care and just deal with it.

I need some new music. got any?

I think that i am going to start being creative and do something insane. Maybe write a screenplay or make a movie. I am in that mood.

Can't jump when im falling
I cry when im laughing.
When some how life has meaning
Then they take it all away.
Wrap me up with bits of string
Hold me close.
This suffication brings some comfort.
Fill my lungs with hunny.
So the words I say taste sweet

Bring it all back
Just to push it away.
When I thought I was done
You kept coming back
In an empty room
And still we keep searching
Crawling, coughing up sorrow
Breathe just breathe
But the air has gone stale
Can I call you home
When the world has forgotten who I am

When life seems so hectic
I'll push aside what you've done
 I miss the summer
Dear sun has said goodbye
No light is left to drink
And still I wear a smile
Hope plastered on my face
Dance with me dear butterflies
And I will keep you safe
For visions blurr
And time goes twisting out of reach
Its easy to get caught up
In things not meant to keep

Be patient my love
And when the clouds have parted
Listen for the sounds
Wait for the feeling
Of something unexpected
Hold still. get close
Then catch it with firm hands
And tuck it in your heart
For happiness has said hello

I found this on my friends facebook. I thought it was pretty cool so i decided to repost it. I don't know where she got it or if she made it up. I just fell in love with it and i wanted you guys to see it.

So i have screwed myself over.
I am really sad about it too.
I have 2 weeks left in this semester. well not two weeks about 8 classes and then a exam then it's done. I know i know yay new semester equals new classes. But i won't lie i am really sad to see science to go. Like i really don't like the class but i like a guy in it. I did from day one. I just never talked to him so i never got to know him. We won't have any classes together until next year because my time table is all screwy next semester. Still i gave up on my chance at someone. I knew he had a girlfriend but that didn't mean i couldn't just be his friend. I am really sad about that.

So i am sad. I don't know what's going to happen any more. Me and my friend came to the conclusion that he still likes me even though he has a girlfriend. But  we only think that because his friends seem to notice me. Weird i know.

He seemed like a really cool guy but i know i screwed this one up. So i am thinking that next time i might have to just bite the bullet. Does that sound right? should i just go for it?

Hey guys,
I am working on a project for something.
I want you to tell me what your definition of beautiful is.
Send me a note, message or just comment telling me.
this would really help me out.
And tell all your friends to tell me.
Please please help me.
So really the question is. What is your definition of beautiful?

if you feel like answering more then here:

Do you feel like the media portrays the wrong view on beautiful?

Is beautiful too strong of a word to use?

Is it just people that are beautiful or are there other things? if so what?

This is my list of what i think was good in 2008. No particular order

Movies:
1. Twilight
2. The Dark Knight
3. The Bank Job
4. Sex and The City
5. Step Brothers

6. The Bucket list    (it came out in late 2007 but it just needs to be on my list)
7. The Happening
8. Burn After Reading  (I haven't had a chance to see this yet. But I will within a week)

Albums:
1. City and Colour - Bring Me Your Love
2. Secondhand Serenade - A Twist In My Story
3. The Hush Sound - Goodbye Blues
4. Lydia - Illuminate
5. Coldplay - Viva la Vida and The Death Of All His Friends

6. Cute Is What We Aim For - Rotation
7. Taylor Swift - Fearless
8. Fall Out Boy - Folie a Deux

Top Songs:
1. Coldplay - Viva la Vida
2. Katy Perry - I Kissed a Girl
3. Fall Out Boy - I Don't Care
4. Madonna - 4 Minutes
5. Taylor Swift - Love story

6. One Republic - Apologize
7. Colbie Caillat- Bubbly
8.  Nickelback - Gotta Be Somebody

Sad to see go people:
1. Richard 'Rick' Wright - Pink Floyd
2. Heath Ledger
3. Bernie Mac
4. Isaac Hayes
  haha thats all I know

So i am trying to decide
I just got anew computer and i am putting on my programs again
should i put my aol back on?
i haven't been on it much over the last while
what do you think>?